To Feel or Not To Feel, I choose the first

My friends tell me I tend to be closed off, not open up, or keep things merely topical. In fact it's what's come to be expected of me. It's not that I try to do that, but that it's my default state of being. For that matter I know I come off as cold, or very uninterested sometimes. that's not the case. From a rather young age, I taught my self to keep emotions down. You don't need them to interact with the real world, just the basics would suffice. A smile here, a frown there, an inquisitive look for when I was confused.. I can even remember the very moment at which this became a solid decision.

 It was a car ride with my parents. They were dropping me off for my first ever summer camp. A week with  out them. I was excited to tell them something about it., and all I wanted was for them to give me their attention for just a few minutes. I tried to tell them and I can just remember them getting really angry, and telling me to shut up. Now, I already had the mentality of a shy quiet kid, but when my parents yelled at me to shut up, I just...I took it hard. This was the first and last time they would do that.

 It also seems to be a family trait which I have unintentionally mastered because I picked it up earlier. This also had the side effect of limiting my ability to pick up emotions in other. I take everybody, everything at face value. what you give me is what I understand. 

If you put all this into account, you must wonder how I got through school, or anything for that matter. Friendships, relationships, family...how did I handle it. When I look back on it, I acted. being the introverted quiet kid I was, I spent a lot of time observing people, especially in different emotional states. I learned to judge a situation and the people in it, and the act out accordingly. I suppose that's how I gained the initial skill to act. 

What's ironic now is that acting, has taught my how to "feel" again, for lack of a better way of phrasing it. Well not acting alone, my friends and several people have had this effect. What I recently learned was that, to act something with the truest of emotion, you have to feel it, actually feel it. Draw from life experience and funnel it into what you are doing. I came to the realization that there is very little I have "felt" in my life. And thus, I intend to fix it, to correct what ever it is that barricades my emotions. 

You know what, emotions are conflicting, but they are also exciting, incredible, exhilarating.  I have begun to allow myself to accept what I feel. To accept how I feel about people, and not just push it away and hope it doesn't stay long. And of course, I have begun o realize many things. Mostly, that I'm an idiot but also that this is for the better. Maybe my friends will see that now, who knows. I may just not be good at expresses emotions, but I'm working on that too.

Dream a little dream

          I'm still not exactly sure what to blog about. I mean, I don't know what to say or write about. So for now, I'm just gonna write about what is most on my mind at a given time.


          Well today, I'll like to talk about dreams. You know, the fall asleep and lose track of reality type of dream. I've always wondered if dreams had special qualities. Did they solve some sub-conscious problems, did they tell the future, were they a window into our true self, or are they just something to entertain our mind for eight hours a day when everything goes dark. Recently, I've had some weird dreams and I couldn't help but question them. Most of them were unnervingly realistic and the rest were flat out crazy, though I do think they would make a hell of plot to an action movie. As long as you didn't question it.

So about those dreams I've had, let me share with you a few. First off, after I wake up from a really bizarre or important dream, I do my best to try and remember it in detail. As most people know, it's really hard to remember a dream. We lose 50% of a dream about a minute after we wake up, and forget about 90%  ten minutes after we wake up, but I tried my best to remember.

My most recent dream, was disturbing. I mean it scared me. And not scared me like, oh my god a ghost, no. Scared me as in, I was scared of myself. The me in that dream. It was a very realistic version me me. And he was angry. So very angry. The circumstances to why he was angry were ridiculous, but the emotion I felt was very real. I wanted to destroy everything. I felt pure contempt, and I know I could have gone further. So much...further. When I woke up, it was still there. All that anger and rage. Then slowly it faded into the recesses of my mind. But I know it's there.

I've discovered that a lot of my dreams tell me about myself. It's interesting. I've been going through a physical and emotional change lately, and it's effected the way I think. That's been reflected in my other dreams. this dream I feel reflects the fact that I've been more open, emotionally lately. Letting in happiness and hints of love here and there. But it seems that cracked a door in my mind to let in, the other emotions. Ones I've had problems with. It also didn't help that I had to play some really angry characters in a few scenes lately. I've had..issues expressing anger, because I don't usually bother with it. But having to find anger so I could play it onstage has changed things. But all this is a lot for one post.

There is one thing I believe dreams do occasionally, and that is they answer questions. They most likely won't be the one plus one equals two type questions, but the are important questions about ourselves. Questions that ask who we are, what do we believe in, and what kind of person we want to be. 

Until next time then.

My First Solo Performance

         Over the course of a year, I tend to be in a lot of performances, be it Theatre or Showchoir or with my dance crew, Euphoria. And as it turns out to be, there are no records of me doing any of this. Well, here is my most recent performance, and it happens to be my first "solo" performance, dancing anyways. But this is from a variety show that the Theatre department put on at Georgia Southern. But anyways, here it is. My dance skit, entitled 'New Shoes'.




p.s. Overlook my long lanky arms. They are quite disproportionate to my body and tend to....'flail'. I'm hoping  one more growth spurt will take care of that, and I'll look normal. Enjoy!!!

Acting vs Real World

     Everyone knows what the real world is. It's that place where everything you want to happen doesn't happen and the last thing you need to happen does. I mean, it never works the way you want. But that's ok, because  again, it's the Real World. Reality is a very exhausting place to be. And when you have to commit yourself fully to it, well sometimes it doesn't seem worth it.

     I mention in an earlier post that I was an aspiring actor/dancer. Reality is the worse place to be one of those. In all honesty, the chances of me making to the top as an actor or dancer are rather slim. but I'm banking on the chance I've got. I was talking to my roommate Greg the other about where we want to go in the future with our acting, how far would we like to take it. Of course were both want to be the best, make it to the top; beat the odds and become the greatest of the greats. But as an actor the There is a high probability that we could spend the rest of our acting careers as extras in the background, or doing commercials for erectile dysfunction pills. As unfortunate as that might sound, even the actors doing those commercials are the lucky ones. They made it doing something.

     But Greg and I were sitting on our couch and thinking, those people had dreams too. They probably wanted to be the best of the best, be the highest and brightest star in the sky. Yet, the std medication infomercial you see on late night TV  may be the highest and brightest they could be.

     I am also a little envious of those people, because they are doing what they love to do, although, I'm not sure they love being in an std infomercial, but still. They are getting paid to act. That's the dream. That's the goal. A friend of mine, Corbin, plans on moving to New York I think, after he earns his degree in Musical Theatre. His goal is Broadway. Now his hardships are the same. He knows he's probably looking at a part-time job while going to audition after audition in hopes of breaking into the business. I feel for him, I'm in the same boat. I'm thinking of joining him when the time comes to move on from college.

     So until the that day comes when we finally make it big, and get that dream job, it's just gonna be us, the actors, the performers versus the Real World.